Monday, August 30, 2010

Disney: The Crappiest Place on Earth

So as I was waltzing around the internet, as I often do when there's no alcohol to drown in, I happened upon this rather disturbing and despicable video:

Throughout the entirety of its duration, my chest began to tighten and my stomach started to turn. It was from the sheer discomfort of hearing the narrator ruin any possible humor from the Donald Duck cartoon. This brings me back to the days of yore when Bob Saget hosted "America's Funniest Home Videos," and how he would pepper clips with poorly done puns and atrocious voice acting. In comparison, this makes America's Funniest Home Videos look like Arrested Development. It's an abomination to all cartoons, and it poisons the very soul to those unfortunate enough to listen. It also goes to show how actors who take these positions in programs can completely change their audience due to poor quality.

The one line I laughed at: "HOW'S THAT RUG TASTE, DONALD?" I didn't laugh because it was relevant to Donald's situation, but rather for a more immature purpose. Yes, I thought of lesbianism and "carpet munching," but can you blame me? I'm sure I'm not alone in thinking that was a questionable line. The rest of the segment's cheese factor completely ruined the moment for me shortly after. This isn't meant for kids. It isn't meant for anyone. The reason that segment exists is because Disney is out of ideas, and it was easy writing. There's something nasty that can be said about taking old clips of classic cartoons and brutalizing them with cheap "humor." It's almost like making a beautiful wedding cake, and before people can begin to eat it, the baker runs in at the last second and pisses all over the little bride and groom topper, then proceeds to viciously beat and claw at it using a hockey stick.

Disney. What an awful corporation. They forgot what makes a cartoon funny. Explaining a joke is like reading the ingredients list on the side of a root beer can; you enjoy drinking root beer without needing to know what's in it, and then some asshole comes by and tells you every single ingredient on the list, one-by-one in a snotty tone. The enjoyment is gone immediately when they tell you how fat you'll become if you drink too much of it. A good joke doesn't need explanation. A GOOD program wouldn't make their old gems into wastes of glorious minutes, but we're not talking about good programming. We're talking about god damn Disney. The last time Disney made something that touched our hearts, our global climate was still relatively intact.

So fuck it. This officially ruins all the good things I remember as a kid when it came to these cartoons. This strangles my inner child and tells it to "grow up." I never thought I'd be so livid about television, but this boils my balls. You better be proud of yourself, Disney, because now you just made a terrible enemy, and now you're in MY small world.


  1. Damn, I didn't know this existed until now. You're to blame for reducing my lifespan.

    I don't know about the ingredients thing, though. When I've got the nutrition facts of what I ate/drank in front of me, I tend to read them and I don't think those things.

  2. Whenever I'm with someone who feels like they're obligated to tell me how I'm destroying my body, they like to bring up the ingredients. Granted I'm not really swayed by it, it's still annoying to hear them babble about how I need to change my habits.

  3. I've found the most fun way to get them to stop is tell them your diet consists of taking a dump to lose weight. Use more colorful words depending on who you're talking to.

  4. blam blam blam

    this is a masterpiece of modern art

    we should totally hang it up next to a pollack