Friday, September 3, 2010

I Promised Myself I Wouldn't Do This: Jostin Beeburr

"Hate" is a strong word, and I tend to use it quite a bit out of its original meaning. For instance, I like to say "I hate people," when really I dislike most of you. I use "hate" loosely, as well as other words which I probably can't say here, lest I get kicked out for even daring to type the same letters together in a sentence. However, I cannot possibly use "hate" to describe my disapproval of Justin Bieber. No, such a simple way of saying it would feel like it didn't have value, since I blurt it out so often. So what words could I say to describe Bieber?

Well, I glanced in a thesaurus to look up possible terms I could use, and this is what I got: He is repugnant. He is bad blood. I loathe him. I despise every fabric of his being. He is anathema to my taste in music. Never, and I mean NEVER before in my life have I ever wanted someone to melt in some freak chemical-related accident as much as Justin Bieber. His fame is unfathomably enormous, and his stupid haircut makes me want to vomit bats.

"But Mr. Waack," you would ponder, "Why do you spite him so? What has he done to cause such grief in your heart?" I'll tell you what he's done to me. He's reminded me that even the least talented kind of person is able to be bought out, sold, mass-distributed, and greedily attention-whoring. His kind of people belittle the public by making them feel like he is some sort of supreme being. His fans are completely brain numb, focusing on him rather than their own lives. They obsess over his premature build, his high-pitched voice, his preppy Ken doll clothing, and his ability to not really sing while fake music is played over his filthy lip-syncing mouth. It's a disgrace to the music industry.

He's not alone when it comes to my passionate detestation of fake artists. This whole new "auto tune" bullshit has made people believe that there's talent behind a robotic voice synthesizer. T-Pain, Kanye West, blah-de-blah-de-blah, I could go on and on with the lists of talentless hacks who utilize this little goldmine of shit. What happened to real music? You know, the kind that had history behind it, with real voices and character? People just discovered they absolutely suck at singing, which is easily one of the most sought-after talents in the world. Count how many times on shows like America's Got Talent people go on stage, attempting to sing popular songs. Then, count how many fail. It's usually somewhere around 70% of what they put on-air. I'm sure my math is wrong, considering they don't show all the acts, so if I had to guess, it's somewhere around 90% or more.

Justin Dweeber. That inexperienced flit. There's footage of him crashing into a glass door and getting a water bottle thrown at him, only to react like any total pussy would by saying "Ow, that didn't feel good." You know what else doesn't feel good? Listening to absolute shit with electronic drumbeats added behind a voice that only 14-year-old girls can make. That's what hurts, Justin, not a half-water water bottle. Seriously, how long is this shit going to go on? How many more times am I going to turn on my computer and open my web browser, only to find Justin "No Talent" Bieber in headlines again? HOW MANY MORE TIMES, DAMN YOU?

Probably about as fast as you can say "puberty."

Thank you, website I found picture from.


  1. He's kinda talented, Bob.

    They introduced him freakishly early. I mean, before he can hone his guitar skills to Duane Allman epicness and his voice drops enough to where it doesn't sound like a male castrato. They wanted some high-pitched kid to sing stuff that, honestly, he shouldn't be singing about.

    And plus, his stuff was better before Scooter Braun grabbed him up.

    And it's strange that people are making a big deal over him getting hurt from doors and packets of candy. We all suffer like that too, but I say it's him getting milked by the paparazzi that's making us think he's some sort of gay wimp. In fact, that's the only complaint about him I heard from you that I seriously loathe.

  2. I agree that they wouldn't just pick this kid up and put him on a pedestal for nothing. What I can't stand about the guy is that he's all people talk about. Honestly, I wouldn't care if he ran into a door or got things thrown at him. That's not the point. The point is that people give such a big shit about it that they absolutely won't drop the subject about it. It's like having an awkward, anti-social child come up to you and talk about all the kinds of tanks and planes there are in the army.